Feeling like you have ‘checked out’ of your life? And absolutely no desire to check back in?

man on bench

I get it, that is how I am feeling right now. All the lifestyle choices I made before to keep me happy and healthy have gone right out the window.

What am I doing that is getting me down?

Home schooling a 3 & 7-year-old whilst trying to run a business.

I am drinking alcohol –( damn it – completely proving doctors right) – it is a depressant and I am feeling depressed but the couple hours of happy I get when drinking it make it a hard temptation to resist.

I am eating carbs like they are in fashion – and no surprise, I am getting all the fatigue and low mood that come with them.

pancakes
Cake and pancakes are my go to ‘crap’ food

Exercise – what is that? I faintly remember a time where I would go three or four times a week to the gym (was it really only 4 weeks ago – it seems like a life time) Plantar fasciitis in my feet and rheumatoid arthritis (ankylosing spondylitis) in my back make low impact exercise the only option. So, as I have decided in my low mood, that it is IMPOSSIBLE to do low impact exercise without the gym – I have stopped doing anything. Yep, it is funny how my irrational brain has decided to ignore Pilates, yoga, walking, stretches…  

My chronic fatigue has come back with a vengeance and I am far too tired to do anything – probably due to the alcohol and food choices.

So, I am sat here after 3 days of extreme low mood and knowing that I’ve consciously ‘checked out’ and thinking where I can be bothered to check back in.

I am wondering how a life coach who specialises in helping her clients become happy and healthy can honestly get back into the real world without feeling like a fraud. I have successfully put on over a stone in a month and all I really want to curl up in bed, feeling very ashamed of myself.

But do I really?

Why am I sat here feeling so unhappy about it? The message I promote is “a successful life isn’t expecting perfection from yourself or others, it’s about working to get where you want to be, never giving up and being kind to yourself when you’re struggling”

So how do I apply that? By using the tools that I know help…

Firstly, I have sat down at my computer and decided never to give up on myself. I have put on some inspirational music and I am going to make a list of things that I can do. (‘scared of the dark’ by Steps and ‘Holding out for a Hero’ by Bonnie Tyler is working for me right now) Subconsciously I am beating myself up for ‘getting it wrong’ and making mistakes. The conscious part of me is now decided to re-write the story. I have been challenged emotionally and physically, and the success is not dependent on being perfect, it is about getting back on my feet when I fall over.

It is about knowing and believing without a shadow of a doubt – I will get back to where I was. Every time the doubt slips in my brain, telling myself “I can’t do it” – “or what’s the point” I remind myself in a caring and firm voice. I ABSOLUTELY CAN do what ever I want, and the point is to be happy. Being happy feels better than this.

For me, to get out of this place of darkness (which I have been in many times before – so I have developed ways to get out of it) I get angry. I choose to fight back, I refuse to give in.

When you break up with a partner, you have the choice to listen to the love songs that make you miss them, that make you sad – their very cathartic and help us heal. But the song I am playing is not loving, because I do not love my low mood – frankly, I hate it. It makes me feel weak, sad, powerless, and lacking.

Now playing “Don’t want you back” by Ellie Campbell.

So now, I play breakup songs where I definitely do not want it back. Where I choose to let it go. Where I choose to tell me, I am better without it in my life. Where I remind myself of my fighting spirit and my innate potential to be anything I want to be.

What are the things that help me get better?

Music – make it feisty that reminds you of who you really are and who you really want to be.

Food – Eating crap makes me feel crap – I am not doing it anymore. I’m going to eat clean.

Exercise – moving releases chemicals that help me feel better. Even though it is physically hurting right now (back flare up is incapacitating me) but I would rather be happy in pain than sad in pain.

Social – I have been distancing myself from friends and family because I am not enjoying being with me so why would anyone else? I’ve been trying to protect them by staying away. That is not helpful to anyone – them or me.

Sleep – I have been sleeping far too much. Sleeping too much can be unhelpful for mood. (I used to be a minimum 9 hours a night girl.) I am going to set the alarm and make sure I get up, get dressed, shower and makeup. In fact, I am going to get washed, dressed and makeup now (it is now 1 pm but now is better than never)

clock
sleep less for more energy

Right – I am back and feeling a bit better already. Now I just need to work out a way to keep this going.

Affirmations – reminding myself morning and night of who I am, what I want in my life and visualising the life I want to live. I have let slip in the last 6 months or so. And I am going to give myself a power charge by reading them out loud, a couple of times a day.

I am I 100% back on track now? Am feeling like I have ‘checked back’ in my life?

Not on your nelly – but do I see a glimmer of hope and a choice to get to a good place? Yes. And I know that I will get there because I want to.

If you’re out there, reading this and can relate to what I’m going through. You’re not alone. Remind yourself you are amazing and you can get through this. You will get through this – work on believing what what you’re saying and you will.

Lots of love and virtual hugs xx

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